A Simple Exercise to Stop Self-Sabotage

Transcript:

I’ve wanted to do this podcast for a long time because this is one of the most life changing emotional intelligence techniques I’ve learned. It’s called “The 5 Why’s.” You might have heard me mention it or quickly go through it in past podcasts but I decided that this is such a good technique that I would devote an entire podcast to it.

I first heard about this technique from a wonderful Instagram influencer and online course creator, Hilary Rushford. Jeff Bezos is the one who originally used it, I believe, after one of his employees hurt his hand in the conveyor belt. Instead of blaming the employee and moving on, he decided to find out WHY it happened. By following the 5 Why’s, he discovered a design flaw and fixed it.

Here is how it works:

1. Identify a problem, repetitive thought pattern or behavior, or any resistive behavior meaning you feel an inner resistance to do something you know you should. I’ll give examples in a bit. 

2. Next, ask the first why like, “Why do I FILL IN THE BLANK?” Or “Why do I keep putting this off?” Or “Why do I always react this way when this happens?” A business problem could be, “Why do I never have enough cash flow?” You might think it’s simple math but it might be a spending problem, poor management, or need for more clients. 

3. Then based on the answer to question #1, ask question #2 and so forth until you get to the fifth question and answer. 

It should be that the answer of the fifth WHY is like a light bulb of insight goes off in your brain that EMPOWERS you to make the necessary changes. Or if it’s an emotional intelligence issue, it should bring you the knowledge you need as to the why so you can stop it and change your behavior. If you get to the fifth why and there’s not any insight or breakthrough, you’re either asking the wrong questions or need to go deeper. 

And while we’re on emotional intelligence, I want to quickly define what that is:

1. Self-awareness of your emotional state and the state of those around you. I.e. you know where you’re at emotionally and if your emotional state is negatively impacting others (being aware of their state). You can take it a tad further and by knowing the emotional state of others, adjust yourself accordingly. For example, if I meet with a client and she seems “off,” I’ll take a moment to make sure she’s ok. If she opens up to me that she’s struggling, I’ll offer to reschedule or help her as best I can if she’ll let me. I literally had this happen the other day.

2. Personal responsibility. Too many people give their power to others meaning they allow others to affect their emotional state and decisions. You need to know where you begin and the other person ends and where the other person ends and you begin. Personal responsibility is owning your emotions, thoughts, and actions and not blaming others for them. It’s also not allowing others to steal that power from you.

3. Inner motivation of self that isn’t stopped by external circumstances. I.e. you accomplish what you set out to accomplish IN SPITE of what’s going on in your life and without the need for others to cheer you on. In fact, you not only keep going, you keep going when others tell you that you CAN’T DO IT.

Two Examples

To finish up, I want to share with you two specific times I used the 5 Why’s with amazing results. The first was in 2015, I believe. During that time, I was focused on learning about building wealth. I was learning what the Bible had to say about wealth, practical things about wealth, and working on emotional intelligence issues to uncover the why behind poor spending habits, lack of budgeting, etc.

So I asked the first Why: 

1.     Why do I impulse buy?

a.     Because I feel good when I do.

2.     Why do I feel good buying things?

a.     Here a memory came up of when my dad was home (he was a truck driver) and he was always generous and bought me gifts. Nothing extravagant. But difficult relationships with step moms meant I was usually very unhappy when he was gone. So the answer was that I only felt happy when dad was home and he bought me gifts.

3.     Why did I only feel happy when dad was home?

a.     I knew it wasn’t because of the gifts. I just wanted to be with him. So my answer was, “Because I felt loved and accepted.”

4.     Why did I only feel loved and accepted when with him.

a.     I didn’t feel loved by my step moms.

Now at this point I didn’t even need to go on. I now knew why I was impulse buying. The reality is that I am accepted and loved and don’t need to impulse purchase. From that moment on, I’ve filtered purchases through three criteria: 

1. Does it bring real joy?

2.  Is it a treasure?

3. And is it excellent?

The other example was my resistance to conduct live events at my local Chamber of Commerce. This one caught me off guard.

I had attended a training at the Chamber, and we were instructed to partner up with another person there and meet that week to help each other work through a business/professional problem. I met with my friend, and we got to work. Hers was a personality issue at work and since I know personalities very well and teach on them, I helped her pretty quickly. Now it was my turn. At first I couldn’t think of anything and then I thought of my reluctance to hold live events.

She asked me why and I told her that I was afraid no one would come. She thought that was silly because I had a good reputation already and helped people more than I realized. Suddenly my eyes teared up and I had a memory of when I was 11 years old and invited my friends to my a birthday party, but no one showed up. I knew that was the key so I went home and did a five why. And here is where it’s crucial to ask the right questions. 

Instead of asking why that bothered me so much, which is not the question I needed to ask, I asked why no one came. After going through each why I understood I’d targeted the wrong market! I’d invited the “cool” kids, the kids I WANTED to be friends with instead of my real friends. Of course, they didn’t come. I’d also treated my real friends badly. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything of value to give others or that there was some type of defect in me. It was that I had targeted the wrong people, a basic marketing mistake! So I scheduled the first lunch and learn and haven’t looked back since. It’s one of the most attended training events at the Chamber.

There ya go. The five why’s. 

I’d love to hear how it’s helped you in either your personal or professional life. Don’t hesitate to contact me. If you run into obstacles, let me know. I’d love to help! Text me at 575-693-6702!