Three Things I Learned After Combining Households Part One

My husband, Mike, and I have been married 27 years as of 2019 with a combined dating and marriage of 30 years. We bought our first house in 1998 at the age of 25. Our son was 5 about to turn 6 at the time. We lived in that little house for 21 years. We filled its walls with good memories of raising our son, friends and family, birthdays and holidays, Bible studies, laughter, and several dogs and cats through the years. 

As time progressed, we wanted more than one bathroom, central heat and air instead of a wall heater and swamp cooler, a dishwasher, and a nicer neighborhood. But our financial situation wasn’t the best. My husband had closed his business, we had a lot of credit card debt, and our credit was hit when we weren’t able to pay two of our cards for about two months in 2016. 

 In the meantime, my father-in-law who lived down the street and around the corner had just lost his wife, my wonderful mother-in-law, to Alzheimer’s when he started complaining of stomach pain. He had already been diagnosed with COPD and A-Fib. Both the pain and A-Fib were getting worse, and we were getting worried. We kept our phones on at night, and my husband checked on him several times a day and at night before bedtime.

One night he came home and told me that he really wished we could live with his dad and take care of him. Now his dad is not an invalid and does really well considering the COPD. But the heart issue was really scary. He never knew when it would act up. Plus living alone can be tough. Why not combine households? So that’s what we did! On May 24, 2019, my birthday, we moved into our new home.  

It’s been amazing! My father-in-law never had central air and heat either. Beautiful wooden floors, three bathrooms, five bedrooms, perfect size yard, a real driveway, granite—basically all of the amenities you can think of. It’s my dream house. And he’s surrounded by his family. In fact, our son and beautiful daughter-in-law moved in, too! They live in the back suite, which is perfect! We don’t get in each other’s way at all. And my father-in-law is the nicest person you’ll ever meet. 

Where’s My Avocado?

Here’s the thing. My father-in-law was a janitor for 20 plus years. He’d go into my husband’s closet and just throw out shirts and jeans he didn’t think Mike needed anymore. One time, I was traveling with my dad (he was a truck driver) and Mike was keeping my ring safe for me in one of his shirt pockets for the summer. Guess what. His dad accidentally threw it out when he threw away some of Mike’s shirts during a closet cleaning spree. 

I was prepared. I knew that he’d probably throw out a few things and that I had to set strong boundaries and to leave clear messages to NOT throw out my things. At least, I thought I had prepared.

I love food, and I love routine. I pretty much eat the same thing everyday. Eggs and bacon for breakfast. Leftovers of some kind for lunch like a burger patty with cheese and avocado slices and some steamed veggies, or chicken breast on a nice, crisp bed of fresh spinach, cherry tomatoes and some avocado. Notice the avocado frequency? 

Recently, I’d discovered a new favorite salad—taco salad. I’d cook up the meat, add some Picante Sauce, and throw that on top of spinach, add my tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and avocado. One day, I decided to cook taco salad for myself and tacos for my hubby and father-in-law. All day, I looked forward to dinner. I’d have my taco salad while they ate their tacos. 

Let me digress for a second. One of the BIG changes for my husband and me was changing dinner time. We’d come home from work, have coffee at 5, and then I’d eat a quick snack and head to the gym while he worked at his shop. By the time we got done, we’d eat dinner between 9 and 10. Obviously, my poor father-in-law can’t wait to eat at 10! So a HUGE transition was eating when I got off work and then I’d go to the gym. At this point I was still adjusting but liked it. It freed up my evening and helped me go to bed earlier. 

And, so off I go home after work, my mouth watering as I envisioned my wonderful taco salad with avocado. I happily enter our new home, cheerfully greet everyone, and head to the refrigerator. I hum as I cook the meat so excited for yumminess! As the meat finished cooking, I open the refrigerator to get out all the goodness: taco shells, cheese, sour cream, spinach…wait, where is my avocado? I could’ve sworn that I’d put it back in the frig after I’d used a quarter on my burger. Now panic was setting in. I spun around and asked my husband and father-in-law if they’d seen my avocado. And to my horror, this is what I heard through the panic (almost sounded like I was under water—muffled and unclear), “I threw it out. It was gross.” 

Time slowed.  

“You what?” I managed to squeak out. 

Oblivious to my distress (but my husband dang sure saw it), he replied, “Yeah, it was all brown so I threw it out.” 

Anyone who eats avocado knows that it’s IMMEDIATELY brown. You just cut off the brown, and it’s perfectly fine! 

I don’t remember all that I said, but I do know that as nicely as I could, I told him to never ever touch my food again and never, ever, ever throw it out! I grabbed my keys and told them to enjoy dinner, I was going to the gym and then the store to get me an avocado. There was no way I was going to eat my taco salad without it. 

Oh, and after my work out, my now calmed-down-self goes to Walmart to get my avocado and they’re OUT! Of course, they’re out. I grabbed some guacamole and made sure my father-in-law knew the suffering he caused. LOL!

Do Not Mix My Tea!

After the infamous avocado incident, I knew to make things VERY plain. I still didn’t trust him. I mean he got paid to clean. I knew that clear communication was very important. I’d noticed that my tea was disappearing when it got to a certain level (like the last glass perfect level you look forward to having with your dinner). I didn’t know if he was throwing it out or mixing it with their tea. I drink oolong tea. It’s healthier and the caffeine doesn’t keep me up at night like regular tea.

 That morning before work, I noticed it was at THE level and that by the time I got home, it would vanish. So I got a sticky note, wrote on there, “Do not touch my tea,” in black marker. Again, there are a few things I really enjoy in life. The gym, reading, coffee with my husband, and my food.  

I get home and run to the frig to see if my tea was still there. Nope. Gone. Poof. Vanishing. MIA. Where the hell is my tea?! I look up in dismay to see my father-in-law sitting at the table with a sheepish face and my husband smiling. 

“I didn’t see your sticky note until after I mixed the teas.”

My husband thought it was hilarious. Long story short, my father-in-law thought I made two batches of the same tea and was making room in the refrigerator. God forbid, we have any clutter! Mike had explained that I drank a totally different tea. From that point on, my food has been safe, but every day I live in fear. HAHAHAHA!

First Thing I Learned

I’m VERY TERRITORIAL with my food. 

Actually, I can tend to be territorial over other things, but mostly food. And I’m not quite sure why. I always had plenty to eat. I think a big part of it is that I’ve created a finely-tuned machine that allows me to not have to decide what to eat every day. I don’t have time for that. I’d rather eat the same thing than ask, “What’s for dinner?” every single day. Plus I don’t eat carbs, sugar, or gluten and that limits my choices. When I find something I like, I don’t want it messed with. 

But deeper down, I know it’s a loss of control. It’s a violation of my personal property and space, which I feel is even more important to guard since we all share the same house. It felt like disrespect even though that’s not even close to my father-in-law’s intention. He was trying to be helpful. I have strong justice and fairness core values and to throw out something that’s not yours just didn’t set right. 

The real lesson was that my core values must not be allowed to cause offense and questioning of my father-in-law’s motives. And that takes really knowing who he is as a person. 

Btw, the other day I threw out my daughter-in-love’s Brussel sprouts. They’d been in there for weeks and turning…well…brown. Shhh.