5 Qualities to Look for in a Mentor
Transcript:
Welcome to this week’s episode. I’m super excited about it for two reasons: 1) mentoring can accelerate your progress unlike anything else and 2) as someone who has mentored dozens over a decade and as one who has mentors, I can pass along what I’ve learned from both sides.
First, let’s define what a mentor is. A mentor is a “wise and trusted counselor or teacher.” It’s a person that comes alongside you to advise and help you develop the best course of action to take. By definition, it implies that this person must be wise and actually have good advice and action that you can take. And, believe me, I’ve met a lot of people who’ve had mentors and even professional counselors who either didn’t help at all or gave such terrible advice, they caused more harm than good. For this reason, I suggest interviewing the mentor and see if he or she has clients that don’t mind you interviewing them. Some won’t due to sensitive matters. But I have several business clients that wouldn’t mind being interviewed at all and some personal ones that wouldn’t mind endorsing me so I know that it’s do-able.
Also by definition, a mentor needs some experience in the areas where you need help. This isn’t like those Holiday Inn Express commercials where guests feel so smart from choosing to stay there that they think they can perform surgery on someone! You don’t want someone with just book knowledge (although that’s invaluable).
And don’t overlook non-professional mentors like friends and family. I can testify to the power of a powerful friend! My best friend, Cindy, was a mentor for me for the first several years of our friendship. She unknowingly shaped how I saw people, interacted with them, and other life things like money, decision making, and more. I also “learned” what I didn’t want to do and what didn’t fit my family and my personality, which is very important. Not everything your mentor advises is going to work for you nor help you. Your mentor shouldn’t try to make you into herself. She should allow you to be you and retain your power of choice and freedom even if that means making a mistake.
Another way to be mentored is through influencers. I have three online course creators that I follow closely. I take their courses, closely follow and read their Instagram posts, listen to their podcasts, and observe how they do things. In fact, by doing this, I revamped my entire brand—everything from website to social media to business cards. And made more money. All of that was done without every talking to a single one of them.
5 qualities to look for in a mentor
Personality. This is step one. Neither you nor your mentor will enjoy the process if your personalities have too much conflict. On the other hand, my total opposite in personality are my largest segment of clients. I think part of it is that I tell it like it is with either a warning (lol) or in a way that they can process and understand. You want your mentor to challenge you but not cause you frustration and irritation because of personality.
Encourage process. You don’t want your mentor to rescue you. You want them to guide you through the process and provide advice and direction as needed. Think of it as a parent doing their kid’s homework. How will that help that child later? It won’t. Same for you. Your mentor should be your Yoda, your Gandolf. It’s in the process that you learn the necessary skills needed for when you face a similar situation later. You discover the “how” and that can translate into other challenges in other areas of life, too.
Challenge but not overwhelm. A good mentor will challenge you. A good mentor will let you struggle some. It’s like the butterfly. I’m sure you’ve heard this. But you have a butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon. If anyone watching the process feels sorry for the butterfly and helps it out, he or she will actually guarantee that butterfly’s death because the struggle is what strengthens its wings for flight. However, on the other side of that is that a good mentor won’t let you struggle so much you are overwhelmed. For example, when I mentor individuals through emotional hurt, I guide them to a place of forgiveness and healing. I have a specific process. But if I see that my “student” is getting depressed, overwhelmed, and unable to focus, we pause the process and focus on other things for a bit.
Non-Controlling. You would think this would go without saying, but it’s absolutely amazing how so-called mentors become controlling. It’s almost as if you rejecting their advice becomes a personal rejection and you taking their advice validates them as a person. Your freedom to accept or reject advice is completely yours and apart from them. They should never “hold you to it” if you feel it doesn’t fit you or your family. I’ve had people repeatedly not see the value in what I was suggesting, and I’d let it go knowing that at some point, they would realize that what I was gently and repeatedly suggesting was the path to walk. I didn’t take it personal. I’d just patiently wait. We are all sovereign. I know where I begin and end; therefore, I don’t need someone else’s validation of me as a person. That’s taken me a long time to learn, and I refuse to give that up.
Customize. No two people are alike, which is why how I mentor one person might look totally different than how I mentor another. Everything is customized. However, I do have a toolbox full of tools that can help anyone. We just might use that tool a little differently. You don’t want a mentor just pulling out a pat answer or uniform “solution” that doesn’t quite fit. And customization requires great listening skills.
interview questions
Here are some questions you can use to interview a mentor:
Why did you become a mentor?
What experiences have prepared you to be a mentor?
Why do you think you can help me? And be specific in the area you’re seeking help in.
What are your strengths?
What are your weaknesses?
What do you feel is the outcome of a successful mentoring process?
summary
Mentors can help you in all areas—fitness, health, personal struggles, financial, business—you name it. There are times where you might need a professional licensed help. And a good mentor will tell you that. I’ve had to tell one of my former clients that his issues were beyond me. I recommended professional help, and he got it. A good mentor makes decisions with YOUR best interests at heart not theirs.
