Three Things I’ve Learned After Combining Households Part Two

We all have our idiosyncrasies. However, we’re blissfully unaware of them until someone just as weird or weirder exposes them all. As I shared in part 1, my husband, myself, and my father-in-law bought a house together and combined households. We wanted to keep an eye on him since he has COPD and A-Fib. The good news is that the stomach pain ended up being pancreatitis caused by a “clogged” gallbladder. He had his gallbladder surgically removed. Since then, he’s much better and the A-Fib is under control!

I’ve known for a while that I like things a certain way, especially in my home and car. I like tidiness. But I’m usually working on more than one project at a time or reading more than one book at a time and if I’m not careful I’ll have piles everywhere but then get irritated if my husband leaves his shoes out or, God forbid, he has a pile. 

Since moving I’ve worked really hard to make sure I keep my piles to a minimum and in designated areas because my father-in-law is a neat freak as well! He hates clutter. And he’s so easy going, he might not tell you. And when I say neat freak, I mean he can’t stand dishes in the sink or even a coffee cup to be used later on the counter. He is compelled to wash them, which leads me to…

The Battle Over the Dishwashers

We have two dishwashers in our house. One was built into the cabinetry, and it’s called Samsung. The other is named GG (my father-in-law’s name). For the first several months at our new house, I tried repeatedly to use Samsung the Dishwasher. Why? Because I didn’t have one in my old house for 21 years. I tried one of those portable dishwashers once, but it just didn’t clean that good so I got rid of it. 

And, now, I had a dishwasher only I couldn’t use it! GG refused to put the dishes in the dishwasher. He wanted to wash them by hand. I’d suggest putting them in the dishwasher. Oh no! I’ll wash them. Occasionally, I’d sneak a few dishes in there but it’d take forever to get enough in the dishwasher to warrant even using it! LOL.

This went on for weeks. I maybe got to use my dishwasher about five times. It was to a point that I’d either run the dishwasher even if just two cups and two forks were in there or just relent and let him wash dishes to his heart’s content. In the past, I’d have turned on the dishwasher for four pieces but I’ve grown as a person and decided that he doesn’t ask for much and is probably happy to have something to do. Hahahaha! Plus as long as I’m not having to hand wash them, I’m fine! So I conceded and he won.

But then the kids moved in and there were way too many dishes! It was such a happy day! My dreams came true. We’d load it up as we used dishes and then I’d pop one of those handy dandy little pods in there and voila! A nice, quiet dishwasher cleaning and sanitizing our dishes. And then, I noticed that once again, he was doing dishes…all of the time. 

“GG, why are you doing the dishes? We have a dishwasher.”

“I don’t want to get it dirty. I want to keep it new.” 

“Umm…what?!”

“Yeah. I want to keep the dishwasher new.”

“Hmmm. You better not use the washing machine then for your clothes so it can stay clean. And let’s empty the frig so it can stay new.” 

I rolled my eyes as dramatically as I could. 

And I got to run the dishwasher, again, last night. 

The second thing I learned was we all have weird things we think and do. No one is immune and we need to give each other grace. Don’t hold so tightly to little things like dishes. In the end, it just won’t matter.

But I’m still glad I won. LOL.

Moving Is Hard on Relationships!

I. Hate. Moving. That’s why we lived in our little house for 21 years. Thankfully I’d started going through things a year before to declutter and throw away all those years of junk. I wanted to be ready even though we hadn’t even started looking. 

When we moved into our first home, I had us packed and unpacked in one day. But this was a different ballgame. We were combining households. And even though I’d gotten rid of a lot of stuff, we still had 21 years of life to pack. Figuring out what to keep and what to sell and where to put everything was tough! But that wasn’t the hardest part. Let me give you some background.

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. The first three years were rough. We had one bumpy year since then. Other than that, we’re best friends and never fight. Before the move, I could count on both hands how many arguments we’ve had in well over 20 years. I’m not sure our son has ever heard us argue. I’d have to ask. 

And then we moved. We had more fights in one month than in our entire 27 years! I was uptight. He was uptight. It was a lot of work and I think we were worn out. On top of that, he’d been working at our house and then his dad’s getting them ready to put on the market.

Once we got settled, I figured he’d go back to his normal self. Nope. He seemed even worse. Mood swings. Being snappy. Well, I’m a D personality meaning I will let him know what I think. I tend to be more patient and calm around him but I’d had it! We were definitely both fussy. 

Then I noticed something. When I was more affectionate, made sure we had time together even if his dad was sitting in the same room, and kept our usual coffee drinking times, he was better or completely back to his old self. I had to watch our sex life too and make sure fatigue from all the sorting, selling, and unpacking didn’t interfere with intimacy. I realized that for 18 years it was just us with our kiddo. Then we enjoyed a good nine years just the two of us. Even though he loves his dad with all his heart, as a husband, he needed as much normalcy with us so our relationship didn’t feel like we were just roommates now. And, to this day, if I am not intentional, he’ll start getting weird.  

The last thing I learned is that being intentional is a choice. 

I could’ve pulled away. I mean there were some nights I didn’t like him very much. And I was tired of it. But instead I chose to pause and figure out what was going on. Men can struggle coming right out and saying what’s bothering them. Or maybe they don’t even know. 

After that experience, I can’t help but think of couples who might be struggling and one or both parties just gave up because they didn’t know how to 1) voice what they were feeling and struggling with and 2) they chose to pull away instead of being intentional to draw closer. 

You can’t always make it work. Sometimes the other party just doesn’t want to change. Or maybe you’re the one that’s so tired of it all that you’re only way is out. I get it. But I had 27 years invested with a wonderful man. I chose to be intentional. 

The secret to our successful marriage is allowing each other to influence one another and bending our wills to each other. My husband was acting out of character because he was trying to navigate our relationship with his dad now in the same home. Since then, he is not only calmer and happier, but he has gotten even sweeter. He does more little things for me to make my day easier.

In Conclusion

They say moving is one of those life-changing events that is up there as the most stressful (I think with dying and divorcing). I don’t know who the “they” is that said that, but I can tell you that moving from one house to another in the same town was one of the most stressful events of my life! 

We’re still figuring it out but it is so worth it! I’ve grown as a person, my food has been safe for several months now, I get to use my dishwasher, but most importantly, I have the unique privilege of being surrounded by those I love. This will never happen again, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.