From Wounded to Healed and Confident
I’ve put off writing this blog. I genuinely believe it can help you overcome any past pain and wounding, but how do I write it without dishonoring those in my past and short enough that you’ll read it! :) I’m going to do my best because in my story (and I’m sure in yours) are lessons and tools that helped me heal and learn who I am as a person.
When It Was Just Me and Pink Panther
My first memory of my mother was when I was four. I remember playing at a park on something that reminded me of candy canes. I remember seeing a little baby there, but I didn’t know who she was my sister until later, and I couldn’t remember my mother’s face. My dad raised me, and we’re very close even to this day. Long story.
Fast forward to my next memory. This one is of my first step mother. I remember thinking she was beautiful. She was also mean. I only have a few memories of her like her brushing my hair and hitting me in the head with her very hard Goodie bristle brush (for no reason), eating alone at the table every day (can’t remember ever eating with anyone), and being confined to my room except to come out and eat. I don’t remember any toys. I had a king-size waterbed (tad large for a 6 year old), and my favorite book about Pink Panther. I’d read it over and over after school and stare out my window. We had a parakeet. And I was allowed to shoot my BB gun outside occasionally. One time I shot at a piece of firewood, and the BB bounced back and hit me in the neck. Never shot it again.
My dad had no idea what was going on. They had divorced and he left me with her because he always felt having a mom was more important. He had no idea how mean she was. For over a year, I’d thought my dad had forgotten me because I didn’t get any cards, Christmas presents, birthday presents, nothing. Later I learned that all of the gifts she’d given me were actually from him. The overwhelming feel of that time was feeling intensely unloved and alone.
Finally!
And then one day when I was home alone in my bedroom afraid to come out because she could show up any minute, my dad drove up in a black Chevy pickup with a flat bed on the back and a wench. I remember that clear as day. I was so excited! He said he’d come to get me and take me with him. He had this beautiful blond with him. I thought she looked like a princess.
I was fascinated with the wench and loved jumping off the flat bed. We went on a small trip and explored ghost towns, stayed at a hotel, and then went to my new home in Odessa, TX. But things didn’t turn out like I expected.
Her Wounding Turned into My Wounding
The first clue that things weren’t going to be great was not long after we got to Odessa, my dad and his girlfriend (soon-to-be wife) went out in the afternoon and didn’t return until well past dark. I was by myself in the garage apartment we lived in and was very scared something bad had happened to them. There weren’t any cell phones. I didn’t know who to call for help, including the landlords who owned the property and lived on it. I didn’t even know what landlords were. When they finally returned, I smelled alcohol. I remember thinking very, very clearly that they chose to leave me alone in a strange new place so soon after getting me and something switched on the inside. I literally felt a hardening and a withdrawing.
I loved my second step mom so much. But no matter what I did or said, she didn’t believe me so it became this weird issue between us. I just didn’t know how to show her, I guess. Or maybe I was but she didn’t recognize the love I had for her. This kicked off a weird relationship between us. I didn’t feel loved. She didn’t feel I loved her. Her and dad started having issues. And, once again, I paid for it. She did the best she could. But at this point I’d had it. Plus with school bullies and trouble making friends, I struggled with shyness, making friends, and then became outwardly aggressive a.k.a. a bully.
Driving Her Crazy Became My One Goal
Fast forward. She and my dad are divorced. Once again, I’m left with a step mom who doesn’t like me. She partied a lot, and I hated her guts. Hated her. I dated a boy they didn’t like on purpose. I started doing drugs and drinking. I’d sneak out every night and skip school (although I maintained a very high grade point average). We got into physical altercations. And I was determined to literally drive her crazy. I wanted her gone—either mentally or physically. Didn’t care. Thank goodness, my step grandma saw what was happening and got her out and kept me until the summer when my grandparents came and got me at the end of my sophomore year. What’s amazing is once my step mother moved out, I instantly changed. I quit drugs, drinking, and smoking cigarettes.
On the Road
After I got to Clovis, I didn’t expect it to be good. I loved my dad but by this time, I had learned to fend for myself. I really didn’t have any interest being around him even though he’s the sweetest and kindness dad you could want. I guess you could say it’s like a wounded animal that withdraws from help because they’re hurt and scared.
I started my junior year happy with some stability, a new boyfriend, new clothes, and new friends. However, my lack of desire to spend time with my dad broke his heart. He decided to go back on the road as a truck driver. My grandparents lived across the street and kept a good eye on me. But once again I’m on my own.
A New Faith
During my junior year, I got born again as a Christian. I discovered Someone who never leaves me. I was discipled by my future in-laws and ended up dating their son. We married March 23, 1992. I was already expecting our child. We’ve been together since and are best friends.
Work Is Required
By this time, that shy, withdrawn kid was now easily angered, aggressive when cornered, and harsh in spite of being a Christian. I realized that being a Christian didn’t erase all the hurt. Instead, my faith in a good Father empowered me to start dealing with all the wounding and wrong identities I created that I thought would protect me from further hurt. My faith started my journey toward healing, a journey I’m still on to this day.
5 Key Things
Looking back on the work I’ve done, I see five key things I did that helped me:
I didn’t hide from pain. Feeling pain isn’t pleasant. But hiding it doesn’t make it go away. Emotions buried never die. They come out sooner or later in bad decisions, ruined relationships, health problems, financial problems, and more. So I faced the pain one pain at a time.
I was strategic. How do you know what pain to start with? Holy Spirit helped with this a lot. He’d point out things He wanted to deal with. But the main strategy I used was recognizing harmful and habitual behavior and thought patterns and then uncovering the why behind them. I do this to this day through journaling and my 5 Why’s exercise (read about it here).
I learned my core values and triggers. Core values are your guiding values in life. My top three are keeping my word, integrity, and honesty. These were formed in me from negative experiences that made these very important to me. Core values can be formed by positive experiences. But I’ve found the strongest are created from negative experiences. Once I knew my core values, I learned that when they’re violated, there’s a danger I’ll react instead of respond. Knowing that helps me to pause and realize that my reaction might not even be tied to the current situation but actually a past experience that’s heightened my emotions.
I’m vigilant to strong emotion. I’ve learned that a strong emotional response that’s not warranted in the moment is a huge clue that I need some emotional intelligence work. I always note it and later get to work on uncovering and healing.
I studied personalities. In both my business and ministry, I’ve found that the majority of problems we have in relationships and communication is a lack of understanding personalities. Each personality has its own trust currency or language and way of processing life. If you know each other’s trust currency and how you each thing, you’ll avoid a lot of misunderstanding and conflict.
The Most Surprising Result
As I did the work (and continue to do the work), I discovered that I’m a confident, focused, competitive, and strong personality style. But I’m also introverted, which simply means, I need time alone to recharge. I’m no longer withdrawn or hiding behind protective walls. I’m healthy and whole in who I am as a person. And that has restored a child-like confidence that I can do anything and be anyone I want! And that sparked the motivation I needed to go after my dreams.
Summary
Emotional intelligence is the number one predictor of success both professionally and personally. But it’s much more than that. It’s a healing journey that uncovers your true identity from all the disappointments, rejections, bad messaging, abuse, and failures of others and even yourself that have skewed who you are.
