My Two Secrets to An Outrageously Happy Marriage
The first three years of my marriage were awful! We were really young, had a new baby, and had a lot of emotional intelligence work to do. No one is 100% healthy and whole when they get married, and depending on your childhood, the soul work needed might be huge, which was the case with us.
Growing up around drugs, alcohol, divorce, and abuse created two messed up people and one jacked-up marriage; yet, here we are (almost 28 years later) best friends, outrageously happy, and growing closer each year. How did two people that hated each other and could care less about each other by the end of our first three years be this happy?
Secret #1
I’ve thought a lot about this, and I can tell you that the most important thing we did was we allowed each other to influence one another. You might call it being adaptable to one another. I opened myself up to Mike’s influence and became a better person, and he made himself vulnerable to my influence. We didn’t hang onto our own opinions, agendas, and perspectives with a death grip. We always kept an open mind that one of us might be wrong or maybe it was simply a misunderstanding of the other’s communication and perspective.
Secret #2
We learned each others’ trust currency. Every human has a personality with a specific trust currency, which simply means how he or she communicates and processes communication. Here’s a quick tutorial:
A D personality’s trust currency is straightforward and respectful communication.
An I personality’s trust currency is open communication with admiration.
An S personality’s trust currency is acceptance with safety and connection.
A C personality’s trust currency is certainty with standards that ensure quality.
You can learn more about this by downloading my free resource, “Learn My Exact Process to Build Rapport Fast.”
I not only learned his trust currency, but I became a student of his entire personality so that I could interact with him based on how he thinks not how I think! I adapt myself without losing who I am as an individual.
Bonus Secret
This one is just as important, if not more, than the other two—inject humor! I remember the last time we had a fight (until we moved last year but we’re back on track lol). We were having nightly fights, so Mike came home after work, plopped down on the couch, and said, “Ok, I’m ready for our nightly fight!” He wasn’t trying to be funny, but the entire scene was hilarious! We both looked at each other and busted out laughing! From that moment on, we utilized humor to diffuse anger.
In John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” he said that one way he can tell a couple will stay married is they allow humor to influence one another when they’re angry, but those couples where one or both spouses rebuff attempts at humor are in serious trouble.
Not only did we use humor to diffuse tension, we incorporate it daily. In fact, humor is the major ingredient to our a happy marriage. The idea of being married to someone with no humor makes me anxious! I love to laugh. Joy is a core value. And I’m so glad Mike is stinking funny!
In Summary
Marriage is hard. It’s not for the faint of heart. But if both of you are willing to do what it takes, you will grow old together. And to think that at one point, I wanted a divorce. I’m so glad I didn’t!
