An Introvert's Guide to Conversation
Transcript:
We’ve all been there—that moment when you run out of things to say and the dread awkward silence closes in like fog rolling in on a summer night up in Louisiana. Or maybe you’re like me and not only feel anxiety about potential “awkward silence” moments, but you’re not even sure how to start or end a conversation! To me the ending is often harder than the beginning. But I have good news! I’ve learned how to navigate through the fog of awkward, my friend!
Disclaimer
In spite of being able to now work a room like a boss, I still feel those moments of anxiety and panic like:
The intense fear of rejection when I approach people I don’t know. What if I approach them and they don’t even acknowledge me and I just stand there looking stupid. I’m sure this fear is from middle school where this was the EXACT scenario.
Or the panic that starts rising 0.005 of a second after the last word was spoken as my mind races trying to find the next SMART thing to say so I don’t look or sound like an idiot.
And then the cherry on top of recognizing the body language signals that the convo needs to end but drawing a blank on a witty and intelligent way to end the conversation. So instead it sounds something like…” Yeah…well…it’s been good talking with you. So…see you later…ummm…you have a good night.”
All of it has me SMH! I can’t guarantee that you won’t feel those moments at times, but I’m going to give you some tools to lessen the anxiety and make you look really good!
How to Start the Convo
First things first—look at their feet. No joke. As you’re surveying the room and planning your “like a boss” strategy, you need to see if there’s an opening. People form a tight little circle with their bodies when they’re having a private convo. It’s your “No Vacancy” sign to stay away. But if there’s a little opening between everybody’s feet (like their angling away from each other instead of facing each other), that’s your cue that you’re invited to join them.
Second—smile like you just came home to your dog excitedly wagging its tail letting you know your its favorite person in the whole wide world! In fact, picture that exact image as you head on over to that person or group, extend your hand with confidence, and say your opening statement, “Hi, my name is FILL IN THE BLANK,” and shake their hand with a nice, firm handshake.
Nerd time: A nice, firm handshake communicates confidence and integrity. Do NOT give the limp-hand handshake or what I call the “dead fish handshake.” In all of my live trainings, people are repulsed at such handshakes. A smile along with a nice, firm and slight squeeze handshake goes a long way in people viewing you as a serious professional.
After all of the introductions, ask, “What brings you guys here?” and let them fly! Usually the D (D is for dominant among other things) will start first while the sweet S’s politely stand there smiling and shaking their heads (also wishing like you that they could go home). I like to draw out the S’s, myself, because they’re very insightful people who are enjoyable to talk to. I’m a D and, unfortunately, I’ve found that many D’s tend to monopolize the convo unless they’re more refined. Letting other people talk is great because then you don’t have to and that’s the entire point, right?
Keeping the Convo Going
Ok, you did it! The convo is going (or at the very least you joined a convo successfully). Now what? You’re there to make an impression and establish rapport, right? So standing there like a wall flower that unstuck itself from the wall but is still just standing there isn’t going to do that.
One of my favorite techniques is the “Hide and Seek Method” (I termed that method btw). I created this technique to keep me from being bored stiff during convos and traveling to far off places in my head. I realize that when I do that not only is my mind far off but so is my gaze and people can tell.
The Hide and Seek Method is simply listening for hidden topics to keep the conversation going. It can be common ground topics like music, movies, books, travel, etc. that you know something about or topics that give you a chance to show off your expertise. For example, if someone mentions branding, marketing, time management, or communication challenges, I use that to give them a short and sweet “training.”
Your Exit Strategy
You did it! You used your opening statement, kept the convo going like a boss, and now it’s time to exit the convo like a pro! Here’s what you say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you (or you guys) but I better make my rounds.” Or if you’re leaving, repeat the first part and then, “I need to get to my next appointment.” Or something similar. Hand them your card if appropriate, shake their hand, and take off. The worse thing to do is having a confusing, unclear, lingering end to a conversation.
A Few More Tidbits
People love talking about themselves. If you genuinely care about others, you’ll want to hear their story, and they’ll feel that.
Be aware of any closed body language like arms crossed over chest, hands in pockets, or holding something in front of you. It breaks rapport and sends negative signals to the other person’s brain that you’re closed off, sketchy, or disinterested.
Use head nods and head tilt. An occasional head nod along with a slight head tilt communicates that you’re interested and keep going.
If you’re an introvert (defined by needing time alone and hating chit chat), you might not ever feel totally comfortable at a social event, and I can pretty much guarantee, your steps will quicken as you approach your car relieved that you can now go home! But you can be proud that you worked the room like a freaking boss!
